


Surviving Childhood

by PepperCat



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Character Study, Childhood, Cookies, Gen, Halloween, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Non-Graphic Violence, Pre-Canon, Running Away, Violence against Children, bus trip, comic books
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-01-26 09:43:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperCat/pseuds/PepperCat
Summary: Back in the dim dark days of season 1, I wondered about who Axel's mom could have been. And... look, there is a lot of stuff about how he didn't have a responsible adult realize there was a problem when he started getting letters from a serial killer! And I 100% get how easy it is to be angry about that, too.And yet, at least one of my models of his personality runs with the idea that he had a good parent for a while, even if it was a good parent in a bad situation. So.This thing, written down because it's been in my head for literally years now and why not.
Relationships: Axel Walker & Original Female Character
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anything went wrong.

"You be good for Aunt Lin, okay?"

Axel nods, holding Buster and watching his mom get ready. She looks shiny, like she belongs in a big store window, or reading news on the TV. She's gone out sometimes and left him somewhere—sometimes he stays with Trevor's mom for a couple of hours, or sometimes Trevor stays with them—but the shiny is special. She looks like this when she goes out late and leaves him at _home_ with someone else, even if it's just Aunt Lin, and she never brings stuff back.

"Promise me?"

He nods again. "Mom?" he says. "Aunt Lin smells funny."

She finishes with lipstick and gives him a thoughtful look. Her eyes are big and bright and dark all around them, so pretty. "Funny how, Axel?"

"Like the blue stuff." She tilts her head a little to one side.

"Vicks Vapo-Rub, honey? The stuff in the blue jar for when you have a cold?"

"Yeah."

"Nothing else?"

He swings Buster by one ear. "No, just blue."

"Okay." She crouches down to give him a hug; she smells like candy dust and flowers. "I told you she needs that stuff to help her breathe, Axel. Can you be okay with it until bedtime?"

"I can stay home alone," he says. The hug isn't really right. She's crouching so only her feet touch the floor and she doesn't get carpet fluff on her knees, so he's kinda standing to the side and he can't hug her really properly.

His mom laughs a little. "That's not happening for a while, honey." She lets go of him. "You be good for Aunt Lin, like you promised, and I'll be here in the morning."

"I'm stay up until you come home."

"You can do that," she says, touching his nose so he giggles, "_if_ you stay awake in your bed with the lights out. And when I get home I'll come in to see you, okay?"

"Awake in my room."

"No."

"Awake with the lights on." He laughs.

"No, baby." She straightens up and takes his hand. "Come on, we can play go fish until she gets here."

Axel is pretty sure he would have won anyway, but Aunt Lin shows up halfway through and he _always_ beats Aunt Lin. She's nice, even if she smells all funny and sharp. She interrupts his mom sometimes, though. Axel is sure you are not supposed to do that; he doesn't do it.

He is also sure he's going to stay awake until his mom gets home, but when she wakes him up he's fallen asleep on Buster for a pillow and it's morning. She doesn't look as shiny anymore, and she looks so tired, but she also looks really happy.

* * *

Aunt Lin explains mother's day to him. He knows how to make toast, and he can pour milk and juice without spilling. He is definitely _not_ supposed to cook eggs or touch the kettle and he can put things in the microwave but he is not allowed to take them out unless a grownup tells him it's okay. That means mother's day breakfast is toast and cereal and juice, and he is going to tell her there is bacon in the microwave but she has to help him get it out when there's a popping banging sound in the kitchen and a very dark smell. His mom jumps out of bed fast enough that the milk and juice slops a little onto the tray.

He left the fork with the bacon, because they all go together.

He didn't know metal turns into a sparkler if you put it in a microwave, or that it could get hot enough to make the runny grease on the plate catch fire, sort of, a little.

His mom's eyes, looking at the microwave, are _huge_. The door is mostly all black from the inside and it keeps beeping, long slow beeps with long slow quiets between them. That stops when she leans forward and yanks the plug out of the wall.

Axel is pretty sure he's broken it.

"Mom?"

She takes a deep shaky breath and blinks really hard and fast.

"Axel?" she says in her serious voice. "You can't _ever_ do that, baby. You can't _ever_ put metal in a microwave. You can't even put _foil_ in a microwave, you understand me?"

"But you need a fork for bacon—"

"Not _ever_!" and her voice is getting sharp. She turns around and is not bending down at all and she is pointing at him and he was making her a present _this isn't right at all_. "You made a _fire_, Axel! You burned our things!"

Axel wails and runs back to his room.

It is _forever_ until she comes in. He is behind the bed crying, but not under it, because he really wants her to find him and because you can't curl up and hug yourself under the bed and also it's kind of scratchy with the springs.

"Axel," she says, and he cries louder. She puts her hand on his head and squeezes in beside him. "Oh, baby," she says. "Shhh. I know it was an accident. I know you weren't trying to do anything bad. Come here, it's okay. Shhh."

He does. She brought a kleenex and that's a good thing.

"You understand that was really dangerous?"

"I wanted to make you _breh-hek-fast_," and he's crying again, but he's cuddling into her.

"I know, Axel. And the food you brought me was really good, you know that?" She puts an arm around him. "You're a good boy, Axel. You gave me a really nice present. But the fork was _dangerous_. I get scared when you do something dangerous."

"Forks don't like microwaves," he says carefully, sniffling.

"That's right, honey."

"Like plug socks and the toaster?"

"Sockets, baby. Yeah, like that. Here, no more tears, okay?" She gives him another kleenex and he mops up his eyes and his face feels scratchy but dry. "You know what else doesn't like the microwave?"

Uhm. Something that goes with forks. "Knives?"

"That's _right_. Anything metal doesn't like the microwave. So you know what not to do?"

He nods. They sit and cuddle for a bit.

"Mom," he says eventually, "can I still put things in the microwave?"

She sighs, but she has a smile on so he's not supposed to notice. "As soon as we get a new one, baby."

* * *

Aunt Lin doesn't laugh when he tells her how he broke the microwave. She doesn't always listen, but she doesn't laugh, and that's okay.

They get a new one really soon, but it is smaller than the old one and kind of yellow. It works, though.

Axel teaches Trevor how to play pirates. He puts knives and forks and spoons away so they don't stay out near the microwave. He and Trevor have a sleepover, and their moms are sitting in the kitchen and laughing about someone called Leo being gone before his mom goes home. He finds a _huge_ bug in their yard and squashes it before it can get inside and then brings the rock to his mom to find out if it was poisonous. Sometimes his mom goes out and Aunt Lin stays in to keep an eye on him.

(Sometimes when his mom is out Aunt Lin goes outside for like five seconds to smoke a cigarette, although after one time he decides to draw _on_ the couch instead of just drawing on the couch she starts standing at the window so she can watch him.)

His mom doesn't look shiny anymore the same way. She is still the prettiest lady in the word but her eyes are not bright and dark all around. But she is happy and also Trevor comes over more to play while Trevor's mom is out and that is awesome.

He starts school but not really. His mom talks to him about that a _lot_ (even in practice school you are not supposed to get out of your chair and go talk to people or tell jokes or push them to get attention or take paint home or take the toy you _really need_ for the thing you're doing or _especially_ not repeat the thing Trevor's mom said about a Leo that made Axel's mom laugh into her drink so hard she for-real _spit_) and he maybe mostly doesn't listen until he gets to stay home one day and she's _really quiet_ all day and then snaps at him at dinner.

He tries really hard to do better after that.

They are taping his picture of Buster to the fridge (_this _Buster breathes fire and has pizza) when there is a knock on the door. His mom goes to see who it is through the spyhole and gets a look on her face like that time Trevor accidentally hit Axel on the head with a plate. A _real_ plate, not one of the plastic ones.

Then she opens the door but not properly and stands so she's in the way of whoever is out there. Axel follows to stand behind her, still holding the tape roll. Axel doesn't recognize the man outside, but under his mom's arm he can see that the guy is holding flowers. His mom is saying something about not doing this, and the man is talking soft and fast and happy.

"Mom?" Axel says.

"Is that the little man?"

"That's my son," his mom says, and she sounds stiff like when the grocery lady says a thing about snaps. Axel comes up because he wants to see what's going on, squeezes forward so he can see between her and the side of the doorway. "Axel, honey, go back t—" and the man kneels down kinda fast and his mom goes really quiet and holds on to the edges of the door and doorway really hard. The man's really close but she doesn't back away.

"You're Axel, right?" the man says. He has a big chin and he smells like coffee and leather. "It's nice to meet you. I know your mom."

"We used to be friends," Axel's mom says. Axel wants to go out and see the guy but he can't fit between the edge of the doorway and his mom and she is _not_ moving.

The man gives a great big smile. "My name is Leo."

"Trevor's mom says Leo—"

"Axel Walker that is _enough_."

"Karina," the man is saying. "I'm not tryna change your mind. But— it's the start of the school, right? New beginnings and everything?" and he's saying things about wanting the kid to be happy since he's so important to you but Axel isn't paying attention 'cause the man straightens up and the hand that isn't holding flowers comes out from behind his back and he is holding a box wrapped in bright gold paper, shiny like _real_ gold not just yellow, and a giant bow made of ribbons that look like they are glowing in spots. "This is for _you_, Axel."

"Oh my g— _mom!_" Axel can't see her face but she likes him to have things, right? "Mom! Mom, it's for me! Mom! Come on, I gotta—" He can't fit out between her and the edge of the doorway, but he sticks a hand out and tries to get the present. His mom picks it out of Leo's hand and holds it up out of reach before he can do it.

"Moooooommmmm," Axel says. "Mom, please, it's for me?" He doesn't take stuff from strangers but she's got it now, it's okay.

His mom looks between them.

"Thank you, Leo, that's very nice," she says. She reaches down and lets Axel take the present— he needs to back off and get his arms around it 'cause he can't balance it with one hand, so he's back inside and she is pulling the door a little tighter closed and like _really_ being between him and Leo. He's going to say thank you anyway like she likes him to but she says "Honey, you go take that into the kitchen and I will be right in, okay?"

"'kay." He thinks it's heavier than clothes would be. It's a _present_. It's a present that isn't Christmas or birthday, that's _awesome_.

He hears his mom saying stuff at the door and then shutting it, but he doesn't listen, puts the present on the table and pokes at it. Some of it's stiff, but the top is soft and bendy, and he's trying to guess what kind of toy it is (presents are toys) when his mom comes back in. She's carrying the flowers but not looking as happy as you're supposed to.

"Mom, can I open it?"

"Sure, honey," she says, putting the flowers in the garbage. "Do you need help?"

He doesn't. The ribbons stretch and come off really easy, and the paper rips. It's a giant blue stuffed toy called Beebo that makes noises and laughs when he pokes it, which is pretty awesome and his mom starts smiling for almost real again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note for non-Americans, re "like when the grocery lady says a thing about snaps"; the food stamp program is called SNAP.
> 
> (over on @peppersandcats at Tumblr.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When the one who wasn't supposed to be around showed up again.

It is almost Hallowe'en (okay, it has been like three days since his mom turned over the calendar page and it started showing a pumpkin but _still_) when the Beebo breaks. It was sounding slow and grindy which is still kind of okay. But he knocks it off the chair and it goes off when it hits the ground and the slow grindy means it sounds like it's _growling_ and he kind of kicks it harder than he maybe really _meant_ to to get it away and it sort of hits the wall and after that it doesn't make any noises except clicks and _eeeeeeee_ like it's trying to say its name and got stuck.

He tells his mom, and she gets a not exactly sad look on her face and asks if he wants to keep it, and says she can try taking the voice away so at least it doesn't sound creepy. He says no (because it's _kind_ of cool but if it's just a fluffy toy then Buster is softer and also she is not _exactly_ sad), and then she smiles for real.

"Do I need to tell the man I broke it?" he asks after they throw the Beebo away. Like the time his mom got the little turtle from Aunt Lin and it fell on the floor. She fixed it okay, Axel doesn't think you can tell where it broke at all, but his mom still told her.

"No, baby," she says. "You never need to talk to Leo at all, okay?"

That's not how it turns out.

* * *

He and Trevor are at the corner store because they have comics (without covers, so you can't tell what order things are in, but _comics_) for like super cheap in a box next to the cash. Their moms are there, but like down around past the shampoo, so Axel and Trevor are looking at the stuff and trying to decide if the pirates or the robots are cooler.

Mister Dinnay is behind the counter but not like behind the _cash_, he is opening boxes and stacking stuff at the other end. Axel and Trevor are mostly ignoring him, and when someone comes to stand near them Axel just figures that they'll notice Mister Dinnay's not there and move down to talk to him or something. He is thinking the pirates _would_ be cooler if they weren't stuck in a desert but it kinda makes it hard on them, and the robots are stretching like Silly Putty. The robots are probably winning, and he swaps comics with Trevor so they can compare.

"Can't you kids get new comics down here?" The voice has that soft-sweet sound you get from adults sometimes, and Axel looks up to see a man in a dark jacket with a big chin leaning on the edge of the counter, looking down at the two of them.

"They're new," he says about the comics. You can tell. If they weren't new he and Trevor would have already decided about the pirates thing. Also the comics get used up really quick.

He doesn't usually talk to strangers, but sometimes people in the store ask his mom where to find things, and she doesn't look mad when he answers. And his mom's _in_ the store so it's okay.

"Yeah? Are they any good?"

"This one has pirates," Trevor says. The man looks at Trevor for a second and then around the store, smiles at where Mister Dinnay is probably standing, and looks back at Axel.

"That's cool. You like pirates, Axel?"

That is a dumb question. _Obviously_ he and Trevor both like pirates. It's just whether or not they like them as _much_. Axel hopes he does not need to explain this to the man, who maybe should be buying something instead of asking dumb questions.

"Mine has robots," Axel says. He ignores the man and holds the book out to Trevor, who grabs it and puts them down on the floor side by side. It's dusty, but it's not wet, so that should be okay. Trevor is explaining that the robots could beat the guy who's picking on the pirates and Axel is agreeing.

"Hey, kid," the man says and they both look up again. "Axel, come on. Don't you want comics that have the covers on them?"

"You're not supposed to talk to kids," Axel tells him.

"It's okay, little man. We're friends, right? You liked the Beebo present, didn't you?"

Axel picks up one of the other comics, which just mostly has a bunch of people in funny colours. He isn't reading it, it's just his hands want to be busy. He recognizes the man now--he even remembers his name, because of what Trevor's mom said about Leos that he is not supposed to repeat--but the man is not holding a present and also his mom threw out the flowers.

"It was okay," he says. Mom likes it when he's polite, but mom didn't like this person. Axel tries to think of other people his mom doesn't like, but he doesn't know many of them. Aunt Lin's son, maybe. But he's never around, that's _why_ she doesn't like him, so it's hard to say.

"Awh, just okay?" Leo is smiling. "You seemed real happy to get it, I figured--"

Axel is getting tired of this. "My mom says I don't need to talk to you."

Leo stops smiling and looks like Trevor did that time the Conklin girls threw mud at him. "That's not real polite," he says, and his voice isn't loud but it sounds mean. "When someone's nice to you--"

"Go away," Trevor says. Trevor is not supposed to interrupt but Axel thinks it's okay this time. His friend goes to shove the man's leg, and Axel grabs up the comics so they don't get stepped on because they haven't paid for them yet, they're still Mister Dinnay's and if they get ruined they _have_ to buy them and his mom hates spending money on ruined things--

Leo bends down and pushes Trevor away. Trevor tries to step back but he falls on his butt and then he yells. You aren't supposed to _push_ people, Axel knows that, and he can hear their moms coming and he didn't need to talk to Leo but he did and the man's being _mean_ and--

Axel has rolled up the comics because he was nervous, a tight little roll like what you find at the center of paper towels. He hits Leo with them, not swinging sideways but stabbing up like it's a sword, like the pirates might. If he was bigger he might have hit Leo in the heart or maybe even the stomach, but he doesn't quite get that high. He still hits kind of hard, though.

Leo makes a noise like he'd shout except he can't get enough air and lands down on one knee and he _swings_ one arm, hard and fast. Axel goes backward into the counter and then he's sitting down and the side of his face is sore and his head is ringing and everything is bright. He opens his mouth to take a breath and then it's like waking up pins-and-needles his head _hurts_, worse than the time with Trevor and the plate, and he _howls_.

His mom is there. Other people are talking, Mister Dinnay and Trevor and Trevor's mom and Leo, but his mom is there. Hands on his face, cool and soft.

"Axel, baby, what-- let me see. Let me see, honey."

"He fell," Leo says, sounding squashed, and then Trevor is screaming that he's a liar. Axel cries louder. His mom is running her fingers through his hair, telling him it's okay, telling him to _sh__h__h_. He tries but it hurts, it feels _broken_ and he's scared that if she takes her hand away the side of his head will fall off.

"Axel," his mom says, wiping at his eyes, still has one hand on the side of his head. "Axel, baby, it's okay. You hear me? Can you stand up?"

Oh he can't think of words. He can see his mom through the less-tears-now. She's not mad.

"Axel," she says extra soft, "tell me what happened? It's okay. You're gonna be okay, baby. Annie, we need a lift, okay?" Trevor's mom is saying something, but Axel doesn't listen, sniffles instead. It's more of a snork, really.

"I can drive you." Leo sounds like Axel felt when his mom yelled about the microwave. _Good_. But Leo isn't going away and crying, he's still _here_, and Axel takes a deep breath.

"No no no, mom, not him, no--"

His mom's face changes.

"Baby," she says, "you just give me a minute, okay?" And she kisses his forehead, then lets go of his head and stands up. Leo is taller than her. Axel's eyes are still running and everything looks soft. His mom is telling Leo that if he doesn't leave them alone she is going to tell people things she heard him say. She is going to tell _police_, even. Leo is backing away. He is going, and then it's just him and his mom and Trevor and _his_ mom and Mister Dinnay and that's okay, that's all okay.

His mom and Trevor's are helping him up and Trevor is trying to give Mister Dinnay back the comics but Mister Dinnay is saying it's okay, so Trevor keeps them. And when Trevor's mom is driving them to the doctor and his own mom is telling him what not to say, Trevor puts them in Axel's hands. Except the pirate one, and he's already read that.

His mom takes him to a doctor and there are lights in his eyes and everyone has questions. Axel tells people that the man started talking to him and Trevor tried to make him go away and then he _hit_ people so Axel stabbed him with the comic sword like a pirate.

(His mom told him to not say the man's name or that he saw him before, so Axel doesn't.)

Trevor's mom comes to get them later, and they talk quietly while Axel sits in the back seat. He has a cold bag on his head and he doesn't like it but he can have ice cream if he keeps it there. They are talking about how Axel's mom _did_ tell Leo that Axel didn't have to talk to him, no-one had to talk to him.

Trevor's mom says that if that thing about telling _police_ was for-real, maybe he'll get it this time. Then she says something about Leos that Axel knows isn't as funny as last time because his mom doesn't laugh.

Trevor's mom lets them have a sleepover that night--like, Axel _and his mom_ stay over at her place, and he didn't know grown-ups had sleepovers. They are talking real quiet while Trevor and Axel are watching TV, and Axel wants to go find out what it's about, but Trevor's cousin keeps calling him back. And she needs the cartoons _explained_ to her (and also she tells Axel that the bruise on his face looks badass, which is not a word his mom wants him to use but which sounds cool). And aside from that it's mostly like a regular sleepover except his mom keeps waking him up and letting him go back to sleep.

He decides that next time he will make sure she brings Buster. He always sleeps better when Buster is around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comics Axel and Trevor are arguing over are, incidentally, an issue with the Metal Men and an issue of _Groo_. These are the first two comics I ever remember reading in my life, and the shout-out amused me.


	3. The Night He Left Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which the situation is not as resolved as one would hope.
> 
> ...mind the tags.

Axel is old enough to go trick-or-treating by himself. His mom walks him and Trevor (and Jay and Bezzie, and their mom) between the houses, but that's just on the _sidewalk_. The _real_ trick-or-treating is going up to the house and ringing the doorbells and getting the candy, and they're doing _that_ by themselves even if she's watching. It is _awesome_. The houses have orange lights and laughing and one even has like fog but like how fog is _supposed_ to be, all wiggly around his knees and stretching like a cat instead of just wet and grey everywhere.

Also some of the candy is just candy but some of it has special wrappers for Hallowe'en, and Axel especially remembers to say thank you at those houses because it's a present. Special wrapping makes things presents.

They went out because the best candy isn't local, so Trevor's mom drops Axel and his mother off when they're done, and she lets him go show his costume to Aunt Lin. Aunt Lin doesn't have _candy_, but she has cookies, and he sits at the table and eats _tons_ of them while her and his mom have tea until it is time to go home-home.

The air outside is cold and smells like all the good parts of Hallowe'en, candy and _piles_ of leaves and just-right spooky clouds and a bit of smoke but not like cigarettes, and Axel is waking up again. The pumpkin they carved is sitting on the step, and the candle is out but nobody smashed it. Axel picks it up and carries it in for his mom when she unlocks the door, and puts it carefully on the counter, next to the drying rack (plates, cups, and the knife for pumpkin carving) and his bag of candy. He knows it needs to go outside, but he is proud of the face and right now it should go with the candy.

He knows he is probably not getting more _candy_, that is a separate thing, but he is explaining to his mom that Aunt Lin's cookies are different. He doesn't know if she's going to believe him but she tells him that if he gets ready for bed then they can watch TV and maybe he can have another one before he brushes his teeth. They end up watching an old movie with kids fighting monsters, in pyjamas _with_ cookies which is the best way, and when it's over he goes to brush his teeth.

He's doing that when his mom makes a short sharp noise like she has just seen the biggest spider _ever_ and then there is noise almost words but growly like the radio is stuck between stations and he goes to the kitchen to see what's happening.

Leo is standing there and Axel's head goes all full of white and he can't move.

Leo is right in the corner with the phone and he smells bad like paint and he is shouting but it's all fuzzy. His mom is standing in the corner of the counter next to the pumpkin and the clean dishes, and her face is red, and she's leaning back like she wants to get right back through the wall. His mom looks at Axel when he comes in and then Leo looks at him too and takes a step at him and Axel wants to tell Leo he can't be here but none of the words come out. His mom said Leo had to leave them alone. She even said police and she doesn't like police so she _really_ meant it and _Leo can't be here_\--

"_Leo!_" That's his mom. Leo swings back to her all clumsy and heavy like a bus. Axel wants to stop him, wants to be like the kids in the movie, fighting Dracula, but he can't move.

Leo is saying really bad things. His mom is breathing fast like she does when she is trying not to yell. The knife from when they made the pumpkin is behind her back. He doesn't know if she had it before or if she grabbed it when Leo wasn't looking.

"_Mom_," Axel says. It's the only word he can think of. Axel doesn't think Leo can see the knife but he is getting closer to her and he is so much bigger than she is. If he sees it, he will--

"Axel," his mom says, harsh but not angry. He's never heard her sound like that before. "Baby, don't look. _Close your eyes_."

He can move to do that and he does. Screws his fists up against them, too, and in the dark behind his eyelids colours are blooping and spreading and warm.

He hears Leo say "Fine, you bi_iiihhhhh_" and his mother gasps and there is a sound like when they carved the pumpkin and he wanted to see her stab the knife in the top properly and she made him stand at the other end of the table with his hands behind his back before she would do it.

His mother sounds like she's been running really hard. Leo is making a whistling squeaky noise like somebody running their fingers over a balloon.

There's the pumpkin sound again. A little thump. The pumpkin sound, his mom sounding like she's crying, he doesn't know why she's crying _she said don't look_, a bigger sloppier thump. Axel feels that last one shake the floor a little bit.

Now Leo's saying _K__arrie_, over and over, and he sounds so scared.

Axel screws his fists in harder against his eyes and all the bloopy colours get brighter. He's crying too.

There's a wet sound that Axel doesn't want to think about and he hears his mom coming towards him. She takes both his shoulders and he knows she's kneeling down in front of him and she smells like a nosebleed but he leans forward into her anyway, with his fists still shoved hard against his closed eyes and she's saying it's okay, he's safe, it's okay but he needs to keep his eyes closed, okay?

"Mom," he says again, and he's crying, and it's still the only word he can think of, "mom, mom, _mommmeeeee_..."

"Baby, I'm gonna pick you up, okay?" And she does, he hears her _oof_ but she does, and carries him out of the kitchen, through the big room. She kneels down and sets him down in the bathroom.

"Baby," she says again. "Baby, you're safe and I'm okay. Can you open your eyes for me?"

She isn't wearing her housecoat anymore. There is like a strip down the front of her nightgown that is red and wet. Her face is white as lamplight.

"Leo left, baby." Her eyes are wide, but she touches his shoulder and that seems to help. She looks at him properly. "Axel. I need to fix something, okay? You go to your room and get dressed. Can you do that? Go _right_ to your room and get dressed like we're going out to the park and wait for me. Can you do that?"

"Is Leo mad?"

She makes a funny hiccupping noise. "No, Axel. Leo's never going to get mad at you again. Can you go get dressed for me? And then stay in your room and yell for me. Okay?"

He nods. It is a little hard to get dressed because the first thing he does is pick up Buster and he doesn't let go. And then Buster gets stuck in his sleeve when he's pushing his right arm through his sleeve and then there's a _tiny_ ripping sound but he can't find the hole. But he gets it done even if holding onto Buster makes the buttons slow.

"Mom!" His voice sounds all scratchy and small, but she hears him and comes hurrying in. She's dressed now, and her hair is in a ponytail, and she's carrying the big bag that she uses for towels and things when they swim in the park at the pool. He holds up his arms to show her he's all dressed, and she kneels down and gives him another hug. Then she helps him pack, except _really_ fast, and some of his things are coming unfolded in the bag.

"Are we going to the park?" Sometimes there are things there at night, but he's never been outside this late before.

"No, baby. We're going on a trip." She squeezes his hand. "You have everything you need? We're not coming back."

Axel hugs Buster to his chest and nods.

"Okay. You wait here until I get a couple of things into the car, honey." She hugs him again, and he puts his arms around her. "I promise it's gonna be okay. You believe me, honey? I promise." She's shaking and he hugs her harder. Buster is behind her back, in his fist like a damp towel, soft and invisible.

"I love you, mom."

"I know, baby." She's gone again. He looks around his room. _We're not __coming __back_ is weird, he doesn't get it. He climbs up to sit on his bed and picks his pillow up and holds it in the hand that doesn't have Buster. He wants to go to sleep but he's pretty sure he needs to do everything right right now or his mom is gonna cry, and she said they're leaving soon.

He hears the front door open and close. Hears something being dragged around, and the front door open and close again. Looks very seriously at Buster and says seriously, softly "We're _waiting_." So Buster will understand and be quiet.

His mom comes back in and tells him to wait in Leo's car. He falls asleep there, and doesn't wake up until she gets in. The sky's all dark, and her face is lit up by the light from the dash and the streetlights go over and over the inside of the car like hands petting a cat, and around then he falls asleep again.

* * *

After the car, there's a bus. The bus station is interesting, but it's loud and crowded and parts of it smell and Axel holds on _hard_ to the hem of her coat. He's looking around while she talks to someone behind a grill about a ticket and manages to convince whoever it is that Axel can sit on her lap. But there's space on the bus so he gets to sit next to her anyway.

She sleeps a little in the bus seat while he looks out the window and the sky turns on bright. The highway makes the bus rattle, and the road is patched with big patches the colour of dirty strawberry ice-cream, or old bandages. He swings his feet, kicking idly at the air, and holds Buster up to the window, and starts humming, and... well, passes time. She sits up fast when she wakes up and has her hand over her mouth like she's trying not to say bad words, and he asks where they're going.

"Someplace new and quiet, Axel."

_Quiet_ sounds boring, but she looks like she wants him to be happy so he smiles.

"Can Aunt Lin come see us?"

His mom's face looks like she's going to cry. "No, baby. I'm sorry."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Not _ever_. You have been the best boy, Axel."

He thinks about this. He is not entirely sure what's happening, but her not being mad at him is good. Maybe it's just like when she lost a job and was really worried for a little while. She wasn't mad at him then, and even if she stopped eating at home she always sat with him at the table. "Can I have pancakes for dinner?"

"Sure, honey." She still looks sad, but she's smiling, and he's not sure what he's supposed to believe. "Give your mom a hug, okay?"

He does. He isn't sure about anything, but he leans over and hugs her, with Buster squished between them as the bus rattles down the road, and she hangs on like she is not ever going to let go and that's okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five points (or, more realistically, a .gif) to anyone who gets what the chapter title is an allusion to, I guess?
> 
> Not exactly cheerful, but: so things progress.


End file.
